Fear of What Should be Safety

Everyday my three beautiful girls go off to public schools.  These institutions have always been a place where kids are supposed to be safe from the dangers of the world.  I mean besides bullying, which I know from personal experience can get pretty darn ugly, in general schools are supposed to be safe havens from the general nastiness of the world.  But more and more lately I have questioned that, and even begun to actively fear sending my girls to school.  It really feels like every time I turn around there is another school shooting, or another one that is planned and the police happen to stop because someone tips them off.  It's getting so out of control.  I don't ever remember this many major acts of senseless violence in schools when I was growing up.  In fact the Columbine school shooting happened after I graduated high school, and it seems like we have gone seriously downhill from there.

Today, another one.  This one in Marysville, WA, not all that far from my area.  Not much is known right now other than two people have had to be flown out by helicopter and the shooter is dead.  Last year there was another one even closer to us in Gresham, OR where both the shooter and another young man lost their lives.  Both of these and all the others are senseless tragedies that never needed to happen.  In the end all we are left with is the question of why?  We can all guess at the answers.  Maybe the shooter left a note or clues, and maybe they didn't.  Maybe there was a history of bullying or mental illness, and then again maybe not.  But if we can't answer why then how can we prevent them?

I have been saying for a long time the answer lies in early detection and prevention of mental illness and bullying prevention.  Now granted I just said above maybe we wouldn't have known, and I think the reason for that is the people that are interacting most with these kids are not trained to look for the subtle signs that things are not going so well for them.  Everyone keeps jumping up and down screaming about gun control or arming the teachers or more police in the schools or more security measures like metal detectors.  Then again, maybe not.  These things aren't going to prevent an incident they are made to react to an incident.

Instead I think we need to create programs in our schools where teachers are trained to look for signs of mental illness, signs of behavior change.  They need to look for the subtle signs of bullying and learn to address them appropriately.  There needs to be a referral system so potentially at risk students can be screened further and put into a program with specialists to help them work through their issues.  Parent involvement in these programs would be crucial and additional training and literature would need to be made available to them as well.  Would this program be costly?  Sure it's not going to come cheap, but can we really put a price on the health and well being of our children let alone their lives? 

It's obvious more force is not working.  Meeting fire with fire is not the answer.  Let's try meeting fire with water and try putting the flame out before it turns into a raging inferno and we are left to deal with the aftermath.  I for one am terrified of being the parent that gets the call that my child's school has had an active shooting.  I am terrified of one of my girls getting hurt in an incident like this.  I want my children, and all children to be safe at school and everywhere in society.  I also want the children to get the help they need earlier in life because early intervention in mental illnesses means you are less likely to have someone with serious psychological issues down the road.  You have a better chance of having a contributing member of society when they become an adult.  Our prisons are full of people with mental illness.  If we can get to them before it fully manifests and becomes an issue and help them get early treatment maybe we can even keep them out of prison and lower our crime rate.  Now wouldn't that be something?

I'm not saying this is the key to solving all our societal problems.  What I am saying is it's time to reform the way we look at mental illness and start using opportunities we have in interacting with young people as early intervention.  Will we catch them all?  Probably not.  Will it solve everything?  No.  Will there still be acts of violence?  I'm sure.  But if we can save even one life wouldn't it be worth it?  What's the price of one child's life?

Do Not Pass GO...or 20 MPH

So school is now back in full swing across the country, and that means the 20 MPH school zones are back in effect too.  I get it, I really do, you're running late for work it sucks to have to slow down to a crawl, especially if you don't even see any kids.  But reality is, you have to do it, and nothing irks me more than those who don't think the rules apply to them.  Let's break this down a little shall we?

Why do we even have 20 MPH zones in the first place?  Well this one should be a no brainer, but since I have learned that some people are no brainers we will actually cover this topic.  There are basically two reasons for this one has to do with you as the driver, and one has to do with the kids themselves.  You as the driver have to pay attention to many things while navigating a car, or at least you should be and your phone should not be one of them, things like other cars, traffic signals and signs, normal adult pedestrian and bike traffic.  Generally speaking the slower you are travelling the more time you will have to react to any one of these normal things let alone the next part of the equation here.  The other thing we have to consider is the kids.  Kids by nature are usually short, unless you get to the high school age which we will address in a minute, and they are fast and slippery.  Think of them like those water snake toys you may have played with as a kid, you know these things.  Even with parental/ adult supervision you never know if or when they are going to slip away to run off to be with that one friend they haven't seen all weekend!  Seriously, these little buggers are slippery.  Ok, so you're thinking that explains elementary students and maybe some middle school students, but what about the older ones.  Well, to put it in simple terms, they're brain damaged.  Any parent of a teenager or who has survived raising a teenager will tell you this.  They are absolutely brain damaged, especially when left to their own devices and in groups.  They think they are invincible and think nothing of putting their own lives and the lives of their friends in danger.  For you as the driver this can translate to them darting into traffic to avoid having to walk the extra ten feet to the crosswalk, or pushing each other into the road because it's fun. Even worse are the teen driver's because now you have brain damaged teenagers who think they are invincible behind the wheel.  Trust me, you want that extra time to react.

So, when we are in a 20 MPH zone and the zone is in effect I am going to go 20 MPH.  If you are behind me do NOT feel the need to crawl into my trunk space to save on gas by hitching a ride.  If you do this I will then feel the need to go 18-19 MPH  just because.  Also, if you are going over the 20 MPH and you then turn into the school parking lot I feel a special kind of loathing for you.  This means you either work at the school or are a parent.  You should know better and should be setting the example, shame on you.  For those of you who think you are special and don't feel the speed limit applies to you and then you are busted and get a hefty ticket, I feel no mercy for you don't complain to me.  If you are afraid slowing down for what usually amounts to about 1 mile is going to make you late for work then you need get your lazy butt up earlier or find a new route to work that doesn't involve a school zone.

The moral of the story is slow down for the kids.  It really is worth it, how horrible would you feel if you knew you weren't adhering to the speed limit and that one tragedy took place because you couldn't react fast enough?  Take the time to slow down.

Thoughts on Discipline

I know I am probably going to raise a lot of eyebrows here, but I think it's something that needs to be addressed, disciplining children.  Every parent has their own philosophies and ways that they feel is the best way for their child, and as long as they aren't raising some tyrant that won't listen or flat out beating the kid I am all for different parenting techniques.  The problem becomes everybody thinks their way is the best and the only way, and if you aren't doing it their way then you must be a "bad parent".  The truth is parenting styles have to be different because kids are all different and parents are different.

Not every kid/parent combo is going to make every parenting style work for them.  Sometimes time outs work well, and sometimes you have a slippery little bugger who's just not going to sit still in that chair for five minutes.  You've got to figure out what works for you, and it doesn't have to be set in stone.  In fact I think it works best if both the parent and the child are willing to adapt and try new things, especially as the child grows and reaches new boundaries.  Sticking their nose against the wall tends to lose something when they hit the teen years after all.  Then again, the threat of it in a public place is just enough humility to straighten up a nasty attitude ;).

This brings us to the dreaded topic of corporal punishment, and the whole reason I started this post.  Lately in the news certain professional football players have been making headlines and not for their abilities on the field.  The one player has been accused of using a switch to punish his 4-year old and drawing blood.  I think we can all agree that is going way too far.  Another one has now admitted to using "harsh" punishment on his 1-year old.  Again this is a bit much.  But what about other forms of physical discipline?  Do they have a place in your parenting style?  There seems to be a lot of heated debate over this with a very firm line drawn in the sand.  Personally, with younger children and as a last resort, I see no issue with a few quick pops on the behind.  Always with an open hand only.  It should never be done with any implement and it should never be done out of anger.  There should always be a warning to the child so that they know if the behavior is done again this is what is coming and there is a set number of spankings coming.  They should never be full force, but just enough to get their attention.  I rarely had to use these with my girls, and they were effective.

As for the argument that it only teaches kids to hit, I can promise you kids learn to hit anyway.  My girls were never excessively violent with each other or anyone else.  And now they know that you should use words to solve conflicts with your peers and adults.  They understand spankings happen from parent to child only.  Kids are amazingly intelligent that way.  I respect those parents that choose not to spank for their personal reasons, just as I respect their different parenting styles.  I think as long as the child is not being abused, and yes there is a big difference.  We all need to respect each other as parents and realize we are all trying to do the what we think is best for our children.

Ignorance is not Bliss

I will admit that I am sort of a reality TV junky.  I love almost all of the talent shows, yes I watched the Rising Star finale last night and was pissed off that the West Coast didn't get to vote, and sometimes I even get into the human interest type shows.  I am not a fan of the dating shows like Bachelor or Bachelorette.  One of the shows I have liked for years has been 19 Kids and Counting, or however many kids they had at the time.  I have liked this family since they had just a single show special about having a large family.

Those of you who know me know that I am as far from like this family as you can probably get.  I am a practicing Witch, very granola, have lived an alternative lifestyle, have questionable tastes in just about everything, and most of all am a huge supporter of the LGBTQ community.  Yet I still love this family.  I love them because even though we don't share the same beliefs, and they would probably damn me to their hell, they have a very strong conviction in their beliefs and they don't waiver from them.  I love them because they teach their children good and honest values.  I love them because even though they have this mammoth family they aren't living off the government, in fact they pay taxes for other kids to use the public schools while home schooling their own kids.  And up until now I have actually defended them to others.

But now we have a problem.  You see Michelle Duggar made a crucial mistake in my book.  She opened her mouth without doing her research, and in doing so she not only labeled an entire community but she also insulted them.  Her town of Fayetteville, AK was voting on an ordinance that would prevent discrimination of transgender people in their town.  It would allow them to file complaints if they felt they had been discriminated against during housing transactions, employment decisions, and other public accommodations.  This would include using the public restroom and changing facilities that the person identifies with and not necessarily the gender they are born with.

This is where Michelle decided she had issues.  According to a pre-recorded message that was dialed out to residents of Fayetteville Michelle said in part "males with past child predator convictions that claim they are female to have a legal right to enter private areas that are reserved for women and girls." Oh Michelle, really?  Is this really what you think of the trans community?  If so you really need to educate yourself before you open your mouth on the subject again.

The truth is trans people are just like any other people in that there are all types, and the majority of them just want the chance to live their lives as the gender they feel they should have been born with.  What about all the little boys that should have been little girls?  Or vice versa?  What about all the women who should have been men?  Do you think this is easy for them?  Because I can guarantee this sure isn't a choice.  Nobody chooses to take this hard road.  Trans people are some of the strongest and bravest people I know.  They have the courage to live life as their true selves.  How many of the rest of us can say the same thing?

Are there creep child predators out there?  Sure there are.  Do they go around masquerading as women to get to your kids?  Probably not.  There are much easier and more effective ways to get to your kids than acting like a woman.  It's not the transgendered people you have to watch out for.  It's the quiet next door neighbors you'd never suspect, or the coaches who spend just a little extra time with your child.  You want to protect your kids then talk to them about the signs of being groomed for abuse.  Talk to them about how to get away and how to talk to someone if something does happen.  Talk to the little ones about who can touch and when and why and where.  But for goodness sake don't instill a fear of somebody just because they are different than you.

Age of Innocence

I've always loved children.  In fact so much so that even when I was a child myself I can remember thinking that when I grew up I was going to have a big family and that I would have at least two daughters and one would be named Isabella and the other Annabel, both old family names.  But, as fate would have it I can't have my own biological children, and thus far have not been in a position to adopt.  Though I have, through a strange set of circumstances that we will save for another day, become mommy #2 to three beautiful girls (none of whom are named Isabella or Annabel but that's okay because I still love them with all my heart).  But even before becoming a parent I was highly involved with children in anyway I could be.  I worked in childcare for a long time, and after that I was part of the Big Brothers Big Sisters program.  On top of that I had friends who had kids that I doted on like they were my nieces and nephews.  I just plain love kids.  And as such I am huge advocate and protector of kids.  I can't stand to see a child abused, exploited, or hurt in any way.  It makes my blood boil and my heart break.

I'm also an artist.  I see the beauty in the world around me.  I look at everyday things and see them in a different light than what the average person may see.  I see the colors, the lines, the shapes, the light, the shadows, and how they all converge to create a picture.  I see concepts and how to tell a story without using words or sounds.  I especially love photography.  I like looking through the lens of my camera and finding that perfect shot to capture that one fleeting moment in time where everything lined up perfectly.  And I love photographing people and capturing that look on their face, the glint in their eye, the way they carry their body.

So what do these two things have to do with each other?  Well there is a photographer out there who has created quite a bit of controversy over a series of photos he did involving his two year old daughter.  His name is Wyatt Neumann, and you can see his work here.  These photos, to me, clearly depict the innocence of a young child.  She can be seen in her princess dress in some, and in some with nothing on at all, and there are various stages in between.  But let's be honest parents, what two year old keeps their clothes on all the time?  None of the photos depict poses that could be construed as sexual in nature.  They are all carefree and very child like.  From an artistic standpoint they are amazing! 

That being said, the parent and child advocate in me has some concerns.  While I find no sexual interest in these photos I know there are some seriously disturbed individuals out there who will.  By releasing these photos on into the wilds of the internet so to speak Mr. Neumann is potentially setting his daughter up for victimization even if they never realize it.  As parents we probably all have pictures of our kids in the bathtub or some other such adorable naked pictures reserved for blackmail and embarrassment on first dates, but are those really the pictures we want to make public?  I know I have a fabulous shot of my youngest standing at a railing looking at a mountain and a gust of wind had blown up her dress revealing that her underwear had given her a wedgie when she was about 3.  It is probably one of my favorite pictures because it is just too darn precious, but it will never leave the confines of the family. 

I get that he is an artist, and this is his craft.  I also get that the intention behind these photos are pure innocence, and I can see the innocence there.  I'm just not sure that these pictures are appropriate to be posting online.  Perhaps in an art gallery or something of that nature where they are less accessible to the world.  I'm not saying what he did is 100% wrong, but I'm not saying it's 100% right either.  I'm thinking that his intentions were really good, and perhaps it could have been handled better.  But I will say this, after his original posting of the photos the amount of hate mail this man received was phenomenal, and I think totally undeserved.  The things people said to him and about him were horrible, rude, and nasty.  And honestly, if your first thought when you look at those images of that little girl is pornography then you are the one with the sick mind.  And I think he handled the feedback brilliantly.

If you are interested in seeing it all please check out the link above.  Also, the Huffington Post did an article about the whole fiasco which is here.

Boob Juice

Breastfeeding is one of the most natural and wonderful things a mother can do for her child.  Lately,  it has become a huge topic of conversation and debate.  The rights of the breastfeeding mother and baby vs the rights of everyone else.  Ah yes, "rights", we throw that word around a lot in this country.  I have a "right" to this, you have a "right" to that, we have a "rights", you have no "right".  But what are we really saying here?

 

The dictionary defines rights in this context as "a moral or legal entitlement to have or obtain something or to act in a certain way".  So let's look at this piece by piece shall we? 

 

Morally, a mother has the right and the responsibility to feed her child.  Now whether she chooses to bottle or breast feed her child is a personal choice based on many factors that can only be made by that woman and should NEVER be dictated by someone else.  Morally, a breast was evolved for feeding a child.  That's it.  It's society, and men in particular, that have sexualized the female breast and made it a taboo part of the female anatomy.  You enjoy seeing scantily clad lingerie ads, and women in skimpy bikinis on the beach, but if a woman exposes the same amount of flesh while using her breast for what it was intended suddenly you become uncomfortable and offended.  For some reason this puzzles me.  Also, American society in particular is one of the most sexually repressed and hypocritical societies out there.  We are such prudes yet we are one of the largest consumers of pornographic materials.  And we have issues with a woman's breast tissue as she feeds her baby?

 

Ok now legally, 29 states (plus the District of Columbia and the Virgin Islands) have laws that exempt breastfeeding mothers from public indecency laws.  46 states (plus the District of Columbia and the Virgin Islands) have laws that specifically allow women to breastfeed in any public or private location.  I know, I know the rest of you are jumping up and down screaming what about your rights not to see it!  Well you fine people have the right to look away.  Really, it's that simple.  I have seen when a mother is getting ready to breastfeed, there are tell tale signs, and you too can watch for them.  If you see them then simply look the other way.  If a mother has a fussy baby and starts to shift her clothing, look away.  If a mother starts to hold the baby close to her breast and lifting her shirt or unbuttoning her blouse, look away.  It's that easy.  If you have kids with you who are curious don't make a big deal out of it.  Simply say something like the baby is hungry and that's how they eat and change the conversation.  Kids are easily distracted like that.  Because legally, in most states and places, the mother's legal right trumps your moral one.

 

So now you want to whine about why can't the mom just throw a blanket over the baby so they are all covered up and you can feel better about the whole thing?  I tell you what, just for fun how about we play a little game.  I am going to give you a glass of warm milk and then I am going to cover you with a warm blanket and put you up against a heating pad and leave you there for about fifteen minutes while you slowly sip your warm milk and see how comfortable you are.  Because if you think about it that's what you are doing to that baby.  Sure, some can tolerate it, but not all can.  You have to remember there is body heat generated between the mother and the baby and then you trap that heat by a blanket, and then you add in the body temperature breast milk.  Right there you have a recipe for a baby who won't eat at best, and an upset tummy at worst.

 

So let's leave the mom's alone.  Let them do their job of raising strong, healthy babies.  They have enough on their plates without strangers giving them a hard time for doing what comes naturally.

All for Laughs

This article was on my Facebook feed today, and I was outraged.  The family thought it was funny to duct tape,  yes I said duct tape, a baby's pacifier into her mouth.  They said the baby was never in danger and the tape was removed right after the picture.

First off, why? Why do you feel the need to do something so stupid and then document it for all your friends and family to see?  Are "normal" baby pictures not good enough anymore and you now feel the need to up the ante?  What is this child going to think of you when she is 25?

Secondly,  did you really think this through?  You used duct tape which is an industrial strength product with a super strong adhesive.   Men use this stuff to fix EVERYTHING!  Even if you didn't press it down onto the baby's skin it obviously made contact.   Now,  I am an adult with sensitive skin and even the adhesive in bandages and first aid tape hurt to pull off and can cause contact dermatitis which can cause red bumps and painful blisters.  I can't imagine pulling duct tape off the thin sensitive skin of a baby had to feel very good.

Let's also talk about safety.   Sure the nose wasn't 100% blocked, but it doesn't look like it's exactly 100% clear either.  And we all know babies are little booger factories.   If her little nose was the least bit congested that could have made for some difficult breathing.  Also, babies are notorious for upchucking at the most inopportune times.   What would have happened if this little darling all of a sudden decided to reject her last meal and it had no where to go?  It could have easily gotten into her lungs causing serious illness or even death.

So while we all want adorable photos of our kids.   Maybe sometimes it's best to just keep the camera ready and let the kids produce the cute all on their own.   I fear our societal turn towards documenting and sharing every bit of our children's lives and having so many of the really cute ones going "viral" has led us to feel like we need to manufacture cute.  Let the kids be kids and leave the duct tape in the tool box.