Thinking

I am feeling very introspective today.  This is usually either a very good thing or a very bad thing that then ends up being a very good thing...either way I win it's just a matter of how rocky the road is ahead.

I am not really thinking about anything in particular, more like lots of things in particular that add up to the big picture.  If that makes any sense.  I am thinking a lot about journeys and paths taken and roads less traveled.  I am thinking about the forks in the road in front of me and the decisions I need to make soon. 

I am thinking about how much should I let my past journeys affect my new roads, and what baggage can I really afford to leave behind.  Because even though sometimes you really just want to get rid of that baggage, because it's old and tattered and painful, you also want to cling to it because it's all you've ever really known and if you get rid of it what will you pack your things in now?

I am thinking about the unknown and adventure and how much it used to thrill and excitement, and how that now that I have been burned so badly all I want to do is curl in a ball and hide from the world never to try again.  I think about how bold and brave I used to be, and how sometimes, just sometimes I see that glimmer of my former self in the mirror before my inner monologue squashes it like a parent telling a child too close to a hot stove "NO! Ouch! You'll hurt yourself!"

I am thinking about how to define the word "alone" as in "I feel so alone".  Because whenever I say it to someone I love they are always so helpful in listing off all the amazing people in my life.  And while it's true I do have an amazing support system I still feel "alone" and yet I can't explain it.

I think back looking for the happy days, and am grateful when I can find them, it's progress.  I am making progress.  I take some breaths.  I focus on a happy memory hoping to pull myself from this downward spiral.  Almost, for now I will settle for staying steady.  It's progress.

New and improved...?

Wow, I really took a hiatus...I didn't intend to, it kind of just happened.  Truth is, I fell.  I fell into a massive black hole of a deep depression.  I was in a pretty bad headspace for quite a while.  I wrestled with some nasty demons, and with the help of my amazing fiancé, wonderful friends and family, and of course my awesome therapist I was able to fight them off and thus I am here to soapbox another day!

In order to heal I had to take a bit of time off of work to give myself some space and time to work on me.  Time where I wasn't under even more pressure to perform every day under the scrutiny of others.  During this time I worked on making myself feel better on the inside by focusing on my outside.  Before anyone goes and gets the wrong idea, this isn't about being shallow or vain, it's about feeling beautiful inside and out.  It's about self care and doing the little things to make myself smile.

One of the first things I did was completely gut the bathroom and re-organize it.  But wait you say, I said I was focusing on MY outside, well my home is my outside.  It's part of my outside world, and quite honestly it has been a disaster.  We just never had the time or energy to make it a true home once we got moved in.  We received so many wonderful donated items when we moved in together and it became a mishmash of things that we never actually weeded through and put away properly.  I always felt like my home was closing in around me.  Now I have two sanctuaries, my bathroom and my kitchen.  My next project was to give the kitchen the same treatment.  With the help of one of my amazing friends we completely cleaned and reorganized the kitchen.  Now I have an amazing space to create beautiful meals in.

Ok, now back to me...one of the things I have really let go due to my depression and other things is really truly taking care of myself and being a girl.  So during my time off I started a whole new skin care routine to start taking care of my face better, and began realizing I have lines and wrinkles oh my!  I also started playing with some make-up, which has been so much fun!  I love trying new looks and seeing what I come up with.  I have been watching YouTube videos to get ideas, and so I don't end up looking like Bozo the Clown or a lady of the night.  I have also been putting my nail polish collection to use and painting my nails fun and vibrant colors.

So what has been the result of all of this?  Did it work?  Honestly, yes.  Not only do I feel better about myself in general, but I actually feel stronger and more at peace.  I feel happier with life overall.  I know that life won't always be glitter and sunshine, and when it's not I can be okay with that because the doom and gloom won't last forever either.

I came back to work on Monday this week.  Everyone has been amazing.  They have all noticed a huge change in me and keep saying I am the new and improved me.  I appreciate the sentiment and understand what they mean, and I don't think that's quite right either.  I wouldn't say I am new as I am the same person that has always been here, nor am I improved as that may indicate I was once no good.  I am just me, not depressed.

Mind Your Beeswax

Yeah, I get it, I call in sick a lot and I leave work early unexpectedly a lot.  But you know what?  That’s between me, my manager, and my doctors.  That’s right I said doctors with an “s” on the end.  You see that happy face I put on all the time is a carefully crafted mask.  It’s a mask designed to hide the physical and mental pain I endure every day.  Every once in a while it slips because I just can’t hold it anymore.  Those are the days you label me a bitch.

You think you know my struggle through observation and then you deign to tell me what I should do based on your keen powers of observation.  The reality is you only know the little bit I let the outside world see.  You don't see my pain, you don't see my anguish, and you don't see my tears because I don't let you.  I don't let you because it really is none of your business, and honestly I have too much pride to let you know that I am that far beaten.  Not beaten by you, but beaten by my own body and mind.  Beaten by the pain that rips through my joints and muscles and beaten by the angry and horrible thoughts that race through my mind day after day, hour after hour, minute by minute.  Thoughts that have been with me for years and now feel like an old companion that I will never be free of.  But that's none of your business either.

Yet you have decided it is your business.  You think it's okay to speak up and tell me what I can and can't do.  How I should live my life, when I should give up and roll over and play dead.  You think you know me better than I know myself.  You think you can tell me when I have had enough.  Well guess what, you don't know shit.  Yeah, you see the mask slipping so you think you are seeing me at my worst.  You think that's my breaking point.  The point where I am going to call it quits and go home.  You ain't seen nothin' yet toots.  For all I have been through and all I carry every day I am a hell of a lot stronger than you will ever know.  You would be amazed what I can push through.

Those times when I do go home, or even call in sick, those are the times when I just can't lift that mask up anymore.  Where the weight of it has gotten so heavy and the pain of carrying it around so great that I just can't muster up a smile to face the day.  Maybe the physical pain is so great that I can barely crawl to the bathroom and back, or maybe the mental anguish has gotten so bad that I am at the point of hysterical anxiety.  Either way, that's none of your business either.

So the next time you think you know what's best for me.  Or you think you have my life figured out based on your observations.  Just don't.  The best thing you can do for yourself and me is to close your mouth before you open it and mind your own beeswax.

Can't we all just get along?

I believe that when you have a specific issue you should seek the support of others going through a similar experience.  The camaraderie and feeling of not being alone can really help when you feel isolated and helpless.  Since I have what I consider to be more than my fair share of issues, or what my fiancé and I fondly refer to as subscriptions, I have reached out to various online support groups for, well, support. 

Some of these groups are quite large, tens of thousands of peoples, and when you get that many people together from various backgrounds you are bound to have differing opinions from time to time.  Now one would like to think that since we are all together for a common cause that we could set these differences aside and support one another regardless of race, gender, sexual preference, religion, etc.  And one would be oh so wrong.

The biggest hot button?  Religion.  In fact in some groups the discussion of religion is banned all together and anytime it is brought up the posts get deleted immediately.  In other groups they ask you to be respectful, and unfortunately that doesn't always work out so well.  Such was the case last night.

In one of the groups I belong to a person posted offering to pray for anyone who needed it.  A very sweet and generous offer.  It was quite simple, if you wanted prayers you posted and if you didn't you just moved along.  Then, someone else decided that this post offended them and replied with a message saying they were offended because it was a decidedly Christian post and they were not Christian.  The original poster then was upset because they didn't intend to offend anyone and so as not to upset anyone else deleted their own post.

And oh dear gods did this cause a tizzy.  Now half the group is jumping all over the admins because they assumed the admins removed the post because the one person was offended.  Then it turned to an us against them discussion about Christian vs. Non-Christian.  Everyone was weighing in, including me. 

I tried to remain neutral by saying that I am Wiccan, and that if someone offers to pray for me I simply say thank you.  Because to me a prayer is simply another way to send good energy and karma into the universe for someone.  Apparently that was the wrong thing to say because then this Southern Baptist from Georgia started ranting and raving about how we were all going to hell in a hand basket and they couldn't be around us godless creatures so they were leaving the group.  Aye aye aye!

Then the group's owner, who lives in the UK, was asking me what a Southern Baptist was and what the South and Georgia had to do with anything.  I was trying to explain it and I got screamed at for bashing all Southerners, which I was not doing if they had read all my words and not skipped over the important ones like the qualifiers of "some" and "most" and "many" and "a few".  But you know hey they look exactly like "all" and "every" so I can see the confusion.

The point was though, and I think more Non-Christians were trying to get this across than anything, it shouldn't matter.  We are all there to support each other, and we should just respect each other's beliefs or non-beliefs.  If you don't like a post because of its religious undertones then just move on to the next one.  There are always plenty more to read.  I think it is so sad that our society is still so stuck on who has to be right about which religion is the correct one.  What if we are all right?

My mom has this really amazing way of explaining religion, and I would like to leave you all with this.  Religion is like a giant wheel, and each type is just a spoke on the wheel.  They are all a different path, but they all lead to the same place in the universe.  The center.  It doesn't matter how you worship, or what you call your divine.  We are all heading to the same destination in the end.  So really, what is there to fight over?

That one word I can never remember

I feel like sometimes I get too serious here, and sometimes I may not show all the facets of who I really am.  I am one of those types that has so many different sides that every day with me is a new adventure, just ask my parents and my fiancé.  And it's not that I am two-faced or untrue, it's just that I am a very complex person.  My last post was about taking the high road in situations when dealing with a bully, and I am not contradicting that at all.  I am going to focus on another aspect of me though, my mischievous side. 

There is this person in my life who is making it pretty much miserable, and unfortunately I am stuck with them.  Much like the person in my last post, but a different person.  This person is making my life miserable through a complete and total lack of competence and common sense.  It is to the point where most days the thought of homicide crosses my mind only to be replaced by the realization that I love my nice fluffy bed too much.

Now, normally and up until recently, I would be as patient as possible on the outside and only suffer silently on the inside while venting to others not related to the situation.  This worked for several months, until one fateful day.  This person in question decided to do the unthinkable, they said something so offensively stupid that I just couldn't let it go.  Sorry, I am only human after all.  So what could they have possibly said?

Well, to make a very long story as short as possible.  A grown-up version of show and tell took place concerning holiday traditions.  A discussion between myself and another was taking place about Wicca, and this moron decides to ask "So, ds you sacrifice animals?".  I think my eyebrows peeled off my face and hit the ceiling.  My reply, a classic if I do say so myself, was "No, and we don't sacrifice babies either."  Apparently this freaked them out even more.  Perfect!

I began to notice that they were starting to keep their distance now.  And the "Witch is In/Out" sign I had kept up since Halloween was no longer a topic of conversation.  Muwhahaha.  Time to have some fun.  I began to repay all the times they had quietly walked up behind me and scared the crap out of me.  Apparently, the subject startles easily.  I bought a magnet of the Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of Oz for my file cabinet.  That bought me a whole lot of space and we have now resorted to email only communication unless forced otherwise.  I am highly amused by this.

Of course when I reported this to my therapist he said there is a word for it, shadenfreude.  It is a German word that translates to harm-joy.  It means that you derive pleasure from someone else's misfortune.  Problem is, I can never remember the blasted thing.  I even had to Google it for this post.  But I like that there is a word for it.

Is it probably wrong for me to be this happy over this person being so freaked out by me?  Probably.  Still isn't going to stop it from happening.  Not sorry, I have put up with too much of their BS and cleaned up too many of their messes to be sorry.  So, until that changes I say shadenfreude on!

The Higher Road

Sometimes in life you have to take the higher road, even if it is the road less traveled and you have to blaze the trail yourself.  I often find myself trying to take this road because in the end I believe it makes me a stronger and better person.  Sometimes it leads to a dead end, and sometimes it leads to one of the most magnificent views in the world.  Either way, I have never once regretted this decision.

When I was a kid I was bullied, a lot.  I have talked about this before so I won't go into too much detail here.  But suffice to say it made a huge impact on me and I vowed never to stoop to that level and bully someone, even if they bullied me first.  I still stick by this even as an adult, and even though I could often win a battle of wits.  Instead, I choose to take the high road.  Now that doesn't mean I let them walk all over me.  No, I take actions to stop the abuse either by removing myself from the situation, or if that's not possible making changes to the situation.

But I also try to understand the person, and where they may be coming from.  Some people are just plain mean, but a wise person once told me "Kill 'em with kindness.", thanks Mom.  That's what I do, and you know what, it works, a lot.  You would be amazed at how many people who are miserable and out to make other people miserable respond to someone going out of their way to smile and make them happy.  Especially when that person is someone they have been mean to.  Once they know their behavior is not acceptable, and that I am still accepting of them, they usually soften up quite a bit.

Now I am not saying this is the case all the time, like I said before, some people are just plain mean.  See above for the dead ends I was talking about.  In those cases it's best to just walk away and/or put your foot down and let them know their behavior is not acceptable.

For an example, I have someone in my life that I have no choice but to be in contact with on an almost daily basis.  This person has, at times, gone out of their way to make my life miserable both in big and little ways.  Sometimes intentionally hurting my feelings.  I have others try to intercede on my behalf as well as trying to confront this individual on my own.  To my credit through it all I have maintained a positive attitude towards this person where others would most likely retaliate or turn sour.  I continued to greet this person daily with a cheerful smile, and I was usually ignored.

Today I noticed this person was in a really bad mood, not just the usual sour mood either, but actually sad and depressed like something was really wrong.  I reached out to this person in an email offering my support if needed.  Now I don't know where this high road will go, and whether it is a dead end or a beautiful sunset I will feel good about myself for having set foot down it.  I will know that no matter how hard it may have been to not lash out at this person I didn't, in fact I did the opposite, I reached out instead.

In the immortal words of The Beatles "All You Need Is Love..."

The Anti-Diet D…Nope not going to say it

I have struggled with my weight all my life.  This is not news to anyone who knows me.  Some very well-meaning people in my life have also made this struggle a whole lot worse.  I am not going to use this space to talk about that or re-hash the past.  What’s done is done.  Suffice to say my weight is still an issue, and because of the things in the past I have struggled to take it off and keep it off.  There are a lot of emotions attached to weight and weight loss for me, and my number one enemy is the scale.

Over the years I have tried so many diets, too many to even count.  I have tried low carb, no carb, low fat, no fat, don’t eat any of this, eat all of that, the grapefruit diet ( I still hate grapefruits), and every other stupid diet you can think of.  I’ve tried the programs like Weight Watchers, did I mention I have social anxiety and seriously dislike scales let alone being weighed in front of a group of people.  But in every one of them I fail, or as I have figured out, they failed me.  They were too restrictive, too controlling, and too rigid.  All things I don’t respond well too, just ask my parents.  I need flexibility, options, and more importantly I need to be in control.

So I gave up.  For years I gave up.  I dreaded going to the doctor and being weighed because the scale is not my friend.  I hate that number.  I hated hearing these well-meaning people in my life commenting on how much better I would feel if I lost the weight and how I would be oh so much healthier.  I hated the doctors’ silent disapproving stares when I tried to explain my anxieties and issues around diets and weight loss.  I was stuck at an impasse.  I knew I needed to lose the weight, but every time I think about weight loss I freak.  I get sick to my stomach and I want to cry.  It’s that bad.  I knew my health was suffering, but what could I do.  Then it happened, what I knew was coming for years.  My blood work came back that I was diabetic, Type II.  I had been borderline diabetic for a few years so it was not a real shock.  But it still stung.  I did what I do best; I ignored it and hoped it would just go away.

Then recently I got sick, really sick, like I stopped eating sick, which for me is super sick.  It turned out to be a simple bladder infection that was easily treatable, but in the course being sick I lost almost 20 pounds.  I thought ok, this is it.  I can make some changes here and make a difference in my life.  BUT, I am going to do it on my terms.  So I created my own anti-diet.

It’s pretty simple actually.  The first thing I am going to do is get rid of my bathroom scale, yes you heard me, there will be no weighing myself and no tracking of my weight.  It’s not like I have actually used it, but its presence has haunted me every time I go in there.  My unit of measurement will not be a number on a scale, nor will it be a dress size.  I am not doing this to be thinner or to weigh less.  I am doing it to be healthier.  Instead, every three months I will go to my doctor and have my blood drawn and have my fasting blood sugar panels run.  The goal is to bring them down. not by a certain percentage or number, just down.  Every 6 months I will have my cholesterol checked; again the goal is for healthier numbers.  I will only be weighed when the doctor’s office requests it, and I will ask not to know.  I am serious, the scale numbers mess me up in the head.  The goal here is just a healthier me, not a skinnier me.

So how am I going to achieve this?  Well that part is a little bit trickier.  It starts in my head, and it’s something that everyone has to figure out for themselves.  First off, I refuse to weigh, measure, or count anything.  I will not be documenting every bite I put in my mouth, and nothing will be off-limits.  I am making this about choices and moderation.  I am going to make a conscious effort to change my relationship with food one bite at a time.  It won’t be easy, and I know I will have slip ups, and that’s okay.

You see, food for me is a comfort thing.  It’s not just about fuel for the body, it’s fuel for the soul.  I need to learn to balance that, and I need to find other things to fill the gaps and holes in myself other than comfort eating.  So it starts from within.  I need to ask myself each time I am eating; why am I eating?  Am I eating because I am hungry, because it tastes good, because I am bored, or because I need something else?  If it’s because I am hungry then I need to pay attention to my body and stop when I am full.  If it is because it tastes good, like a treat, then I need to allow myself to indulge and eat slow and mindfully so I really enjoy it and then eat less than I used to.  If it is for one of the other two reasons then I should look into what else is going on around me and find another way to fill my time or that void, whatever it may be.

Again, without measuring or weighing, I am also making my portions a little smaller than they would have been previously.  The key here is I am making the portions smaller than they used to be for me.  This means that while I may have used to eaten a cup of something before maybe now I have cut it down to 2/3 of a cup, whereas a typical diet would have cut it back to ½ or even 1/3 of a cup.  I find that most diets tend to cut the portions too far back too fast for most people, especially those like me who are very heavy, and we end up feeling like we are starving and miserable.  By slowly cutting back my portions and eating just until I feel full, I feel like I am more in control of my food instead of food being in control of me.

The last piece of this is the food itself.  I am not only trying to change how I view food, but also the foods that I choose to eat.  This is a difficult one because I am probably one of the pickiest eaters you will ever encounter.  And this is one of the reasons most diets fail me.  Because of their rigidity in what you can and can’t have, and because of what I will and won’t eat my list of acceptable foods was usually pretty short and I would get bored with my menu options really fast.  With my anti-diet though nothing is off-limits so I am free to make up my own combinations and menus.  I am making a conscious effort to add more whole grains, fruits, and vegetables and to eliminate as many prepared foods as possible.  It’s all about being mindful of the choices I make each day and each meal.  I am also trying to work in more meals so that I am maintaining my energy and blood sugars throughout the day.

Will this work?  I don’t know, honestly, but it sure beats doing nothing.  And for the first time I feel confident about food choices and not ashamed of what I am doing for myself.  In the past going on diets always made me feel ashamed of myself for some reason.  This time I feel good, like I am making a positive change in my life, not just a fly by night attempt to shed pounds.  Who knows, maybe if it works I will write a book and become a millionaire peddling the next diet fad with my anti-diet, HA!  I will just be happy if I can finally change my relationship with food and become a healthier me.

 

So I am asking all my friends and family who read this to help me out here.  If you see me and you see that I am looking better because you think I have lost weight please don't comment on the weight loss.  Comment on how much healthier I seem to be.  Tell me I look happy.  Tell me I look healthy.  Tell me anything but I look smaller, or that I have lost weight.  Don't tell me you are proud of me because I am not doing it for your approval.  I am doing it for me.  If you see me eating something you don't think fits in my above philosophy don't comment on it and don't give me any disapproving looks.  Maybe I'm having a bad day and I am going to pick myself up later, or maybe I am allowing myself to indulge because I know I have balanced it out earlier or will later.  Also, if I say I don't want something or I am done don't push it.  No matter how little I have eaten or how good whatever it is tastes.  I have to listen to my body now and give it what it needs when it needs it.  Don't judge, just let me figure it out.  I know you all mean well, and I know you love me, and I need to do this myself.  I know this is a lot to ask, and I am asking it anyway.  Please.  If I have tagged you in this and you think someone else should see it feel free to forward it on to them.  I love you all so much, and right now I need to love myself like I never have.

Journal Post: A Dark Realization

I am going to step off of my soapbox for a few minutes and focus on me.  This past weekend, with the help of my fiancé, my best friend, and my therapist, I came to a very dark realization; my views on death are horrific at best.  It's no wonder I struggle with the deaths of those I love.  It's no wonder I mourn for so long and so deeply.  With what I finally was able to admit to myself and others this weekend, it's no wonder that I fear death so much and view death as the enemy.

I know I have talked about death on here before on this post.  But at that time I could only vocalize my fear and hatred for death; I couldn't, or wouldn't vocalize why.  I struggled with not understanding or knowing what happens when we die, or at least I thought I did, and my analytical brain couldn't accept on faith that we just go to "a better place" and that everything magically turns out sunshine and roses.

I brought up this struggle to my therapist and he, being the fabulously sneaky psychologist that he is that I am so grateful I have found, asked a series of questions that led me to finally voice what I had been hiding for so long.  What I really think happens when someone dies. 

You see I view death as this horrific act, something that isn't peaceful or pleasant.  I think when someone dies the pain continues, the physical and emotional.  I think that person is then forced to watch as their loved ones suffer the loss of them, and they also feel the loss of their loved ones.  I think the pain is like a ripping force unlike any other we could ever imagine, and I think the sense of loss of life is unimaginable.  I don't find any comfort in death.

This, of course, explains a whole lot about why death affects me so much and why I grieve so deeply.  It also is not very healthy, and I get that.  My therapist says I am stuck in a sort of purgatory, especially after having lost so many people in my life.  He says that with each loss my theory on what happens we die gets stronger, and as my theory gets stronger my grief gets worse.  So basically I am in a vicious cycle and I can't get out on my own.  Basically I am living in my own personal hell that my mind created based on my experiences with death, that and my extremely over active imagination despite the lack of horror movies, books, or any other overly graphic input.

All of this also explains a lot of my nightmares about separation and loss.  It explains all of the horrendous things that happen to my friends and family when I close my eyes, whether I am awake or asleep.  It may also explain my severe separation anxiety.  So basically, if I could find a way to work through this...it could break down a lot of the barriers that are holding me back in life. 

I know it won't be easy.  I know it's going to mean challenging myself and confronting a lot of fears head on.  I also know I have people by my side who love me and will be there for me through it all no matter what.  And I love them for it.