Wow, I really took a hiatus...I didn't intend to, it kind of just happened. Truth is, I fell. I fell into a massive black hole of a deep depression. I was in a pretty bad headspace for quite a while. I wrestled with some nasty demons, and with the help of my amazing fiancé, wonderful friends and family, and of course my awesome therapist I was able to fight them off and thus I am here to soapbox another day!
In order to heal I had to take a bit of time off of work to give myself some space and time to work on me. Time where I wasn't under even more pressure to perform every day under the scrutiny of others. During this time I worked on making myself feel better on the inside by focusing on my outside. Before anyone goes and gets the wrong idea, this isn't about being shallow or vain, it's about feeling beautiful inside and out. It's about self care and doing the little things to make myself smile.
One of the first things I did was completely gut the bathroom and re-organize it. But wait you say, I said I was focusing on MY outside, well my home is my outside. It's part of my outside world, and quite honestly it has been a disaster. We just never had the time or energy to make it a true home once we got moved in. We received so many wonderful donated items when we moved in together and it became a mishmash of things that we never actually weeded through and put away properly. I always felt like my home was closing in around me. Now I have two sanctuaries, my bathroom and my kitchen. My next project was to give the kitchen the same treatment. With the help of one of my amazing friends we completely cleaned and reorganized the kitchen. Now I have an amazing space to create beautiful meals in.
Ok, now back to me...one of the things I have really let go due to my depression and other things is really truly taking care of myself and being a girl. So during my time off I started a whole new skin care routine to start taking care of my face better, and began realizing I have lines and wrinkles oh my! I also started playing with some make-up, which has been so much fun! I love trying new looks and seeing what I come up with. I have been watching YouTube videos to get ideas, and so I don't end up looking like Bozo the Clown or a lady of the night. I have also been putting my nail polish collection to use and painting my nails fun and vibrant colors.
So what has been the result of all of this? Did it work? Honestly, yes. Not only do I feel better about myself in general, but I actually feel stronger and more at peace. I feel happier with life overall. I know that life won't always be glitter and sunshine, and when it's not I can be okay with that because the doom and gloom won't last forever either.
I came back to work on Monday this week. Everyone has been amazing. They have all noticed a huge change in me and keep saying I am the new and improved me. I appreciate the sentiment and understand what they mean, and I don't think that's quite right either. I wouldn't say I am new as I am the same person that has always been here, nor am I improved as that may indicate I was once no good. I am just me, not depressed.